August 3rd... sweet Archer's story... part 1.

I slept for the first couple of hours of this day, in my own bed after supper out with my hubby. The rest of it was an emotional roller coaster, ending with a sweet baby boy nursing in my arms, with a quiet hummm of hospital sounds.

I woke up at about 2:20 am and as I frequently did, I had to go to the bathroom, but before I ventured out of bed, I waited to feel little one... a move, a kick, something... nothing.  This had happened before with him, and usually I would talk myself into "everything's okay" you are just being a worry-wart, and eventually I would feel him, or at least have enough peace about it that I would be able to go back to sleep.  I don't know if it was my escalating hormones, or the fact that I was having braxton-hicks so frequently, or maybe it was just my memories of Amelia.  I was beside myself. I have a doppler, but it was not a comfort as I didn't know if I was finding his heartbeat or mine. I knew that mine was fast, and his (if it was his) seemed slower than normal.  Possibly because he was being squeezed by constant contractions.  Paul was awake already, and knew something was bothering me.  I will admit I cry at odd times (I am a woman) and because he is the most perceptive male I have ever met, he knew this was different.  To be honest, I think we were both ready for this little one to be here, and both of our nerves were shot (a few months ago, actually).  He said, "let's go in".  I didn't hesitate, and with boys in tow, cute as bugs in a rug, asking from the backseat "why aren't we sleeping?" we were off.

Okay - back up ten minutes...  This is not only Archer's story, not only the story of our rainbow baby, but it is God's story too.  I had a moment when you just know it's God, because it could ONLY be God.

I would like to say that God knows.  He knows, He always knows.  Before I officially woke up Paul (he was already awake wondering why I wasn't getting back into bed), my phone buzzed - a text message. Seriously? At 2:31 am, at the exact moment I was up and crying and worried sick in the middle of the night, I get a text message from my big sister who lives two states away. This is what it said,
     --------------     "Praying for you:-) and your boys".       -------------------
I know God knows me, I know He knows my story, my every need before I know it, but sometimes He shows me He knows it.  I love it when He does that. I love how He knows each one of us.  When we doubt He does, and when we wonder if He is even real, He knows... and loves us anyway. 

I guess this is the end of part 1, because I haven't figured out how to nurse Archer without using atleast one of my hands, nor do I have the patience to type with only one hand.

To be continued...



 

Thankful for 35 weeks and 94 years

I don't think there are many people who don't know what we are having, but in case you are in the dark, we are expecting a boy.  I am a little over thirty-five weeks along, and have been going in for weekly non-stress tests for a few weeks already. I will continue to go in every monday until August 6th, which is our planned c-section day. 

I know that God has the number of our days planned before any of them come to be, and as 36 weeks nears, I can't help but think about Amelia's last moments on earth.  I would be lying if I said I don't worry as that day approaches with this baby.  I wonder how long his heart will beat upon this earth. I think about the sweet man who turned 94 last month, the man my husband calls "Grandpa Art". The man who is ready to go home... his heavenly home, and yet his heart beats here.  I think of this little man inside of me, and I worry that his heart won't beat another 4 weeks, and I don't know why I worry... Maybe his heart will beat for more than 94 years. Maybe he will have the chance to marry a Godly woman, raise children for the Lord, hold and know his great-grandchildren, and minister to his family for decades, like Grandpa Art. 

Art feeding Ev-babe, at the young age of 90.

Only God knows what is in store for Art and baby boy, these two that I have been thinking of so much lately.  And His ways and thoughts are higher than mine, and more importantly He is faithful and trustworthy.  So I will not worry, but pray for my own lack of trust, and rest in His plan for each of these men.               

Baby boy

35 weeks and 1 day

You have to look around the grey blobs in front of him, but it is worth it. 

Love these sweet little lips - can't wait to kiss 'em!

I could stare at this little smirk all day...  I am going to feel bad when his birth actually happens, because I am going to throw his peaceful, happy little world upside down. (Okay, so I will only feel a little bad, or in O-dog's words - "a tiny, piny, peeny" bit bad)

There are so many emotions swirling around his arrival, and I know that it is only by God's grace that I am able to experience the unabandoned excitement for his tangible entry into our world, into our arms, into our home... It doesn't happen every moment of everyday, that I am able to feel so much anticipation for him without reservation, but when it does, I admit I embrace it whole-heartedly. I have to. He deserves that - this little man...

I am thankful for the 35 weeks and 2 days I have had so far with this little one, and how my heart aches for more, and is ready for years to come with him.  Nonetheless, I am still thankful, for today.  I am also thankful for Amelia's 36 weeks.  Thankful I am her mom.  Thankful that her heart beat here for 36 weeks, even if it broke mine.

And as for Grandpa Art, who just turned 94, the one in the hospital bed a state away, I can only pray that we are all so blessed to touch as many lives and hearts as he has.  If you knew this man, you would know that he is still touching lives, and there are probably nurses who just met him who will remember his spirit for a long time to come.  We all have our God-given jobs to do, and he knew his.  He was as focused on the heavenly prize as anyone, and no matter when he is made whole and healthy again in heaven, and his heart stops beating here, we can all be thankful for the gift... the treasure of however many years we knew him of the 94 he had on this earth. 

Introducing our newest love...

Here is the new little lovey in our hearts, who happens to be residing in my womb until early August.  We are excited, and anxious, all at the same time.  

                                      

I can't help but see Ev-babe in this last profile pic. However, the other ones look more like O-dog to me, and to be honest when we were having the ultrasound done, when I looked at the first shots in 3-d, all I could see was Amelia's face.

A baby who was conceived after a baby that was stillborn, miscarried, or who died as a newborn is sometimes referred to as a "rainbow baby".

I found a post on babycenter.com that describes it beautifully.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.     ~Courtney

I know that this new little love is a gift from God, and that no matter how long we are able to hold this one, a gift is still a gift, and the joy and love we have experienced from this new little cutie has been a "rainbow" to us during our storm.