What defines me...

As much as I don't want to be "defined" by certain things in my life, they are a big part of who I am. Amelia's short life was no small matter in my world, and how life goes on after something like that, is a miracle. Slowly but steadily God has shown me unsurmountable grace and peace in times of agony. Somedays I can't believe that I have a daughter. A daughter that I dreamed of, a real person that was knit together in my womb, someone I longed to finally meet... to have briefly met and said hello to, only to have said goodbye at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that I said hello, that she was real, that there was a little baby, our little daughter who existed... the goodbye is like a heavy weight. The goodbye just takes over sometimes. Soemtimes I forget all the joy she brought us. The booties with pink bows, the sleepers with flowers and hearts all over them. They were waiting for her... because she was real... she was ours. The joy I had when I told the boys they were going to have a little sister, only to have them grimace... "We want a boy baby, Mom." Oh the joy. The joy of feeling her kick and move inside me.
Sometimes I fear her death has defined me, and other times I fear her death is forgotten by most everyone, or at least those who are more acquaintances than close friends or family. When tragedy strikes in anyone's life, whether it be divorce, or death, or illness; a very real fear is that it would cloud out who we are, and become the first and only thing people think of when they think of us or see us. That same fear creeps in when I think that people have forgotten my heartache, my struggles, and my hurt. What defines anyone is not the sum of his or her experiences, but the person refined and molded by those experiences. The person Christ died for and loves. I don't want anyone to forget that I had a daughter, but I also don't want anyone to only remember that fact when they see me. I have changed, I am not the same friend, the same mom or the same wife I was before we lost Amelia. I am more compassionate when I hear of others' struggles and heartaches. I am more aware of the things that matter and the things that don't. Although it is difficult to think of anything good coming about because she is not with us, I can not let her life be a mark of sadness and devestation only. I want to have her memory in my heart bring joy to me and hopefully others as well. She deserves that. I will not let the sadness and grief define me or her, or our family. I want others to know that her life had a purpose, and that she is very much a part of our family. I will always be missing her, but I want to live in a way that reminds others of the fact that we will one day be reunited, and that she is alive and whole in heaven. We are able to rest in this fact because Jesus didn't let his fear cripple his ability to give the ultimate sacrifice. We have Christ to comfort us in our suffering, and embolden us in our fear. May He meet you wherever you are in your journey. May we be defined by His love, His care, and His work in us.