Giveaway! Very exciting..

Hello everyone.
I have never done this before, but I am sharing a giveaway from another blog. There is some super cute stuff that is being given away. I thought I would share with you.
Her blog: http://wheelsoffun.blogspot.com/
She is a Christian mommy who has very good, applicable posts about how her faith is foremost in her marriage, parenting and everything inbetween.

Too close? Never.

I thought it wasn't possible to cry, laugh, gasp, and almost fall over within the same 30 seconds. But that's just what I did when I found out I was going to have "#2" when "#1" was still a baby. (just 5 months old)

I thought I would never go anywhere without a double stroller, a bottle, 2 changes of clothes

and 4 diapers of varyings sizes in tow.

I thought, "Why do so many people think they are twins?" They are obviously an inch or so different in height, and 1 to 3 lbs. different in weight. "Isn't it apparent that one totally has a baby face, while the other definitely has more of an early-toddler look to him?"

I thought they would never get on the same nap schedule.

I thought they would get sick of each other - they haven't yet.

I thought I would never call one by the other's name. Heck, I even call my husband

by one of the boy's names (on occasion)!

I thought they would fight more.

I never thought they would be such good friends. I never thought they would laugh so much together. I never thought they would invent their own games to play. I never thought they would "miss" the other one when being away for less than an hour. I never thought they would refer to themselves as a unit.
Ev-babe always refers to himself in third person when talking about O-dog and himself.
("Do the boys get to come too?")

I never thought I would be glad to have them so close in age.
I never thought they would be so happy to have the other one.

naturally

No matter how hard Ev-babe tries, everytime he chews gum... he swallows it. Once in the car, once in the store, and now here in the living room with me. I thought, okay - I am going to constantly remind him, don't swallow it, spit it out. He put it in his mouth, barely got it wet, and then looked at me and asked "spit it out, now?" I said, "No, wait until it gets squishy at least." He chewed it a while longer and kept looking at me and smiling as if to say - "It's still in there."  Then two more minutes passed, and he came to the table to finish his banana. Curious as to how he could eat a banana and chew gum I asked him where the gum went. He looked at me as his eyes widened, "It went down there!?" (pointing down into his throat)  It is just so natural. A very early and strong instinct, exemplified by the tiny baby in a mother's womb, learning to suck and swallow. If their tiny little fingers float up by their mouth, they start to suck on them, not by any conscious choice of theirs.
Sometimes I wonder how heaven can be perfect. It is hard to imagine millions of people there - and it still being perfect. How seemingly harmless thoughts, sinful thoughts creep into my mind all the time. It seems so natural. It is part of my being from birth - "natural sin". It is even in the name. I mean, I think about an average conversation. I'm not real fond of my neighbor, but I talk to him, and try and be loving and kind, because I know Jesus would want me to be. However, I have to bat the nasty thoughts away as I am standing there in dialogue with him. I would never say them outloud - but they are there, floating in my head. What would it be like if the negative thoughts never entered my mind? I just can't imagine... Or even the self-doubting thoughts about myself during a group prayer or when I am teaching sunday school. Am I saying the right thing? Are they getting any of this?  I will admit I have thought a lot more about heaven, since I now have a daughter residing there. My dad is there, I have grandparents there, but it is so different to have a daughter there. I was "supposed to" be the one to do everything first, show and teach her things, and tell her about heaven (the little knowledge I have). "Supposed to" doesn't matter with God. That is a good thing. I am glad that His thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are beyond ours.  It gives me comfort that I don't have to know everything, or understand everything. I just have to trust. If everything happened as it was "supposed to" according to my book, my life would look different than it does today. However, I know that everything is as it should be, because God is in control, and He is teaching me His ways. It is not easy, but I will fight my natural instincts tooth and nail to be more like Him. I will always have a difficult time imagining what perfect would look like in heaven. I do know that Jesus' blood covers my sins, and as long as I trust in Him, it doesn't matter what I can or cannot imagine. It will be, because He says it will be. I also know that Ev-babe will eventually get the hang of chewing gum. But it was a good reminder of how much we need reminders and help to conquer what comes naturally sometimes. And it feels sooo good to be living in the light of a Savior who takes away our sins, and to know that whatever sins we face, or whatever icky circumstances we are in - we are not alone. 

What defines me...

As much as I don't want to be "defined" by certain things in my life, they are a big part of who I am. Amelia's short life was no small matter in my world, and how life goes on after something like that, is a miracle. Slowly but steadily God has shown me unsurmountable grace and peace in times of agony. Somedays I can't believe that I have a daughter. A daughter that I dreamed of, a real person that was knit together in my womb, someone I longed to finally meet... to have briefly met and said hello to, only to have said goodbye at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I have to keep reminding myself that I said hello, that she was real, that there was a little baby, our little daughter who existed... the goodbye is like a heavy weight. The goodbye just takes over sometimes. Soemtimes I forget all the joy she brought us. The booties with pink bows, the sleepers with flowers and hearts all over them. They were waiting for her... because she was real... she was ours. The joy I had when I told the boys they were going to have a little sister, only to have them grimace... "We want a boy baby, Mom." Oh the joy. The joy of feeling her kick and move inside me.
Sometimes I fear her death has defined me, and other times I fear her death is forgotten by most everyone, or at least those who are more acquaintances than close friends or family. When tragedy strikes in anyone's life, whether it be divorce, or death, or illness; a very real fear is that it would cloud out who we are, and become the first and only thing people think of when they think of us or see us. That same fear creeps in when I think that people have forgotten my heartache, my struggles, and my hurt. What defines anyone is not the sum of his or her experiences, but the person refined and molded by those experiences. The person Christ died for and loves. I don't want anyone to forget that I had a daughter, but I also don't want anyone to only remember that fact when they see me. I have changed, I am not the same friend, the same mom or the same wife I was before we lost Amelia. I am more compassionate when I hear of others' struggles and heartaches. I am more aware of the things that matter and the things that don't. Although it is difficult to think of anything good coming about because she is not with us, I can not let her life be a mark of sadness and devestation only. I want to have her memory in my heart bring joy to me and hopefully others as well. She deserves that. I will not let the sadness and grief define me or her, or our family. I want others to know that her life had a purpose, and that she is very much a part of our family. I will always be missing her, but I want to live in a way that reminds others of the fact that we will one day be reunited, and that she is alive and whole in heaven. We are able to rest in this fact because Jesus didn't let his fear cripple his ability to give the ultimate sacrifice. We have Christ to comfort us in our suffering, and embolden us in our fear. May He meet you wherever you are in your journey. May we be defined by His love, His care, and His work in us.

The flower at the top of the page...

When Amelia died we were blessed with an outpouring of cards, flowers, plants, food, and visits from friends and family. A dear couple, who we were friends with in Garden City, Kansas, sent us this beautiful mini rose bush. This was one of the many blooms that adorned it this summer on our patio. All of the blooms were various shades of pink, and it did fairly well despite my lack of a green thumb.  We were very grateful for all of the gifts, whether they were cards, notes, plants, food, or calls/visits. However, after the shock of the first few days were beginning to wear off, P and I sat in the living room, the boys playing quietly somewhere (miracle) and there we sat amongst this small rainforest of bouquets, blooms, plants, pots, and ribbon. I said, "I would give anything to not have any of these here, and have a little baby instead." P looks at me, both of our eyes puffy from the whirlwind of emotions and exhaustion of the past week. He said, "For you, a baby would have been easier to take care of."  I needed a chuckle, we both did. 

Why blog?.....

I never really thought of myself as a blogger.  I always wondered why people blogged. I didn't understand why anyone would post their personal thoughts on-line for anyone to see. Aaaa! That seems scary, and I am definitely not a thrill seeker! I was completely fine with journaling and having no one else read it. I also thought of bloggers as literature-lovers, bookworms, and just plain talented with words (many of you are, by the way). And with that in mind, joining the blog-world, in order to put my voice and my experiences out there, seemed a bit intimidating. I also realize that many people blog simply to keep their family and friends up to date on their family on-goings. I hope to strike a balance between these two kinds of blogs.    

My perspective of blogs in general has changed drastically over the last several months. I have gleaned comfort, hope, a sense of belonging, and a renewed faith in what the blogging world has to offer. After we lost Amelia, I found myself searching for people who experienced the same heart-ache and devestation that we had when she was stillborn. I was looking for someone else to put into words how I was feeling. I wanted to know that my feelings and thoughts were similar to those of someone who had walked the same path as I had. After I found a couple of blogs I would continue jumping to more and more. I wanted to read more than their story. I wanted to read that healing did indeed happen, and that sorrow and joy could coincide in their heart. I knew that the sorrow would never completely disappear, but I wanted to have hope that I could feel joy as deeply as I felt grief.
The thing I loved most about the blog world is that I could anonymously jump from blog to blog and even pick and choose what posts I read. I wanted to read about someone who didn't have a "perfect life", someone who was honest about what was going on in their life - the good, the bad, and all that was in between. I wanted to read about their doubt, and their fears as well as their blessings and their hopes. There is nothing more encouraging to me as someone who is clinging to their faith, going through a struggle, and courageous enough to be honest about it and blog about it. I don't know exactly what this blog will end up being, but right now it will be a place for me to document our life as a family, and also a place for me to share how God has healed my heart in the face of losing our precious daughter, and the journey along the way.