Some days...

Some days aren't all days, and that is a good thing. 

Most days - I live more fully, realizing the brevity of life and the need to live it more fully.  I really enjoy the glow in my sons' eyes when they find some "amazing" subject to gaze upon... like a walk signal or a roley-poley bug.  Most days, even at the cemetery, I am comforted by the thought of where my daughter is, her holy surroundings, her savior looking into her eyes, taking in the soul He created.  Her death is sad, but it is also joyous.  I mourn her even though I also celebrate God's gift to her and to all of us who trust Him.  We will all find the same end.  In turn, each of us will have an end that will be a beginning.  Most days I feel Him close.  My God has shown Himself faithful even in the difficult moments.

Most days are also not all days, and this was just one of those days... one of those other days, one of those some days.

Some days there is a pit in my stomach, a lump sitting in my throat --- yes, all day.  I'm never sure when these days will come along.  The only good thing is that they remind me of the rest of the days, when I am less emotional, less harried, less fragile in a world of "normal".  The some days don't last, and I know that "this too shall pass".  Not without pain, not without some tears, but it will pass, and a different day will soon be here.

No matter what "day" I am having, I am always going to be different, changed.  I used to be normal, whatever that is, if it even exists.  I used to be less affected by things.  I also used to feel less, slow down less, read less, pray less, listen less.  I used to live less.  I am glad, that she has affected me so.  I am able sometimes to realize I didn't have a second to take her for granted, that I didn't once grumble as I got out of bed in the middle of the night to feed her. I didn't have a moment to get frustrated at the mess she made or a time to feel guilty because I left her in the swing for an hour and a half. These are things that I think about.  As I anticipate this new babe, I will be able to hold him and love on him in a greater capacity.  I can say that I am more patient with the boys, most days.  I am able to say, "because she is gone, I will live better, I will make my faithful God known to more people around me. Her short life has enabled me to feel more and live more.

However, with my new normal comes the some day.  That some day, was today.

Today I saw a baby girl in every grocery aisle.  Some just so new that their mothers had dark circles beneath their eyes.  Others were older, babbling and squeeling, drooling on a rattle or their shoe.  Their sweet faces peering at my boys, in my cart, at me, and then back to their mothers, and then a smile and a giggle... so sweet.  Some days it feels as though I am a walking pity party.  So pathetic when I think of parents who want a child and haven't been able to have one.  So pathetic when I have two boys, and one on the way, not to be grateful. I am... I really am, most days. It is just some days. Some days... like today, when I see Amelia's picture and physically ache for her to be here, when I am almost sick with the thought of her clinging to my leg in the kitchen as I stand there making lunch.  I wish I had an entire load of pink and yellow and orange, instead of a couple shirts of mine to throw in with the reds, blues and greens. I trip over her car seat, which has not had a home for over a year. It has been awkwardly placed in several different rooms, sticking out, reminding me that I bought something pink, something permanent, something in preparation for someone who is missing from our home. I have three dresses hanging at the end of the boys' closet.  They have no where to go. I can't part with them, and yet, there they hang, looking odd and out of place in a closet full of polos, next to Superman costumes.  It is a day like today when I am bothered by those things more than usual.  I feel like I am always apologizing to God, for not being thankful.  It is also on these days when I am still asking "why her"?   You would think I would be past this...  I mean, it has been over a year.  The many blessings I have, the family I have, the salvation He has given freely, these things I need to remember always.  It is days like today, when I need to remember that even though I am suffering, I now have a tiny bit more in common with the one who suffered so great, who was scorned and hated, who paid the ultimate price for us, for me. 

I know that most days I can be extra gentle with my neighbor, my friend, the stranger in the parking lot, for I do not know what his or her day has been like.  Maybe they buried a sister, a father, or a friend today, or yesterday, or maybe over a year ago, and they are having one of those days.  Maybe they just found out they have cancer, maybe they were laid off today, or were handed divorce papers yesterday, or last week.  Most days I can take a step back, and with God's grace, get out of "the funk" I am in.  I can be extra gentle, and share some of the grace I have been given.  The source is endless if only we would choose to ask for it. 

Everyday I need His grace.  Everyday He provides it.  His grace was always present in my life, but now, especially some days, like today, I am more aware of it.  As the title of my blog says, "His Grace Abides".  This is my new normal, living ever mindful of His grace for me.  Especially on a day like today, well, yesterday actually.