Two babies: one in our hearts, one in our arms...

When I started looking through pictures of Archer, and seeing him welcomed by his brothers and dad, it was such a blessing to see their joy.  Joy that was anticipated a year ago with Amelia, and stopped short when she arrived. I have these two pictures that are similar, and yet so very different.  How we talked about her arrival for weeks and months prior, telling the boys how things would change once she arrived. Not just "the boys" anymore...

Nothing prepares you to try and explain birth, a new sibling - now in heaven, and the realities of death to an almost three and almost four year old.  It is impossible to hide your emotions, nor should you try, I guess...  I remember the tears rolling down my sweet husband's face when he showed Amelia to O-dog.  I'm not sure my heart hurt more than at that moment.  How different it was this time around.  We will never forget, but we can't let that overshadow enjoying every minute with our youngest.

This time around it was such a joy to share Archer with them.  They asked questions and just stared at him. They told strangers about him, whether or not they wanted to know or not.  A man in the elevator gets the full scoop on their new brother. "His name is BABY" says O-dog.  "And his middle name is BABE" adds Ev-babe.  My mother telling me how they just beamed as they told the man about their new brother, who was named "Baby Babe" at that time, apparently. In some ways I feel that the addition of this new sibling, alive and well might be a healing balm for their hearts.  I know that O-dog certainly doesn't hold back from telling Archer how much he loves him.  They both hug and kiss him, and practically smother him with their bodies attention.  He is almost 6 weeks old, and he is still getting oodles of love. 

As for me... There are times when the grief seems to hit me like a ton of bricks.  One minute I am beaming at my new son, and then wham-O.  I never seem to know when it is coming, and I guess that is just the way it always will be.  The other day I was checking for a stinky surprise in Archer's diaper, and I was blown away by the fact that I didn't ever change Amelia's diaper.  I know she had one on. A tiny little pampers swaddler, with a yellow stripe down the butt.  I took it off and put it back on once.  Did she have the same one on the whole time?  Was it the same diaper she wore under the dress she was buried in?  Why didn't I check?  Why would you?  I don't know... There are just things that I never thought about before, but now that I have a newborn in my arms, I think about them.  I forgot about all of the squeaky sounds, the sharpness of their little nails, and how their legs don't seem to unfold even when you pick them up.  It is healing for me to hold our sweet little Archer, to dream about the days ahead with our three sons.  And yet, while he is in this newborn stage, I also can't help but think of our daughter, forever a newborn in our memories.  Forever the child who is very much a part of a family, yet is present only in our hearts. 

I miss you, baby girl.  You have a little brother, now... you are a BIG sister...

I know you know.